I must be mad
1737 February 12th
What I am about to write is true, though I am not sure how to put pen to paper and describe it. Let me back up. The snow finally stopped and the men went outside to dig us out. When I heard them leave I decided to explore Monsieur Martins' room as his manner had my curiosity piqued.
Not knowing what I might find, I ventured into his room any way. All seemed in order when suddenly I was hit with a case of guilt. I turned to go yet there he was, standing in the doorway. I could not read the look in his grey eyes. They seemed at once angry yet amused, if that is possible.
I tried to explain my presence but I could not speak nor come up with a rational reason for being there. His eyes held me and seemed to caress me and I froze, unable to move nor ask him to step aside. I thought he should step aside, being an officer of the king, but he just stood there, staring down at me.
I felt my heart in my throat when suddenly he was so close I could smell the outdoors on his skin. I tried to speak... I think I said something like I must go now, but I am not sure if the words actually came out or if I just thought them. I was so compelled to touch him and as if he willed it, I touched his cheek. It was cold, most likely from being outdoors though I noticed he wore no coat nor hat.
As if dancing a waltz we moved as one and suddenly I was pressed up against the bedroom door. It shut gently trapping us together. With no words between us I..... I cannot write the next bit... it was as if I were on fire and only he could cool me. He pulled me by my hair and kissed me. It was rough but I did not fight him or fear him.
I thought about my husband and then as if drugged, all thoughts of him fell away. It was only Andreas and I who mattered and as his cold lips ran down my neck I closed my eyes. He said nothing as he pulled me closer, gently loosening my gown. I felt it open yet I did not fight him. I wanted him and as he gently picked me up off the ground I wrapped my legs around him and like an animal he drew blood, my blood.
It stained my skin as it ran down my neck but still I could not resist him nor his cold body. I think I was in a trance for even as he drank from me, it felt like a wonderful dream I did not want to ever wake from.... even now I think that I must be mad.
What I am about to write is true, though I am not sure how to put pen to paper and describe it. Let me back up. The snow finally stopped and the men went outside to dig us out. When I heard them leave I decided to explore Monsieur Martins' room as his manner had my curiosity piqued.
Not knowing what I might find, I ventured into his room any way. All seemed in order when suddenly I was hit with a case of guilt. I turned to go yet there he was, standing in the doorway. I could not read the look in his grey eyes. They seemed at once angry yet amused, if that is possible.
I tried to explain my presence but I could not speak nor come up with a rational reason for being there. His eyes held me and seemed to caress me and I froze, unable to move nor ask him to step aside. I thought he should step aside, being an officer of the king, but he just stood there, staring down at me.
I felt my heart in my throat when suddenly he was so close I could smell the outdoors on his skin. I tried to speak... I think I said something like I must go now, but I am not sure if the words actually came out or if I just thought them. I was so compelled to touch him and as if he willed it, I touched his cheek. It was cold, most likely from being outdoors though I noticed he wore no coat nor hat.
As if dancing a waltz we moved as one and suddenly I was pressed up against the bedroom door. It shut gently trapping us together. With no words between us I..... I cannot write the next bit... it was as if I were on fire and only he could cool me. He pulled me by my hair and kissed me. It was rough but I did not fight him or fear him.
I thought about my husband and then as if drugged, all thoughts of him fell away. It was only Andreas and I who mattered and as his cold lips ran down my neck I closed my eyes. He said nothing as he pulled me closer, gently loosening my gown. I felt it open yet I did not fight him. I wanted him and as he gently picked me up off the ground I wrapped my legs around him and like an animal he drew blood, my blood.
It stained my skin as it ran down my neck but still I could not resist him nor his cold body. I think I was in a trance for even as he drank from me, it felt like a wonderful dream I did not want to ever wake from.... even now I think that I must be mad.
posted by Denise K. Rago at 4:57 PM
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