Eleanore's Diary

1737, February, 9th

I am not sure how to begin. It was just at sunset when Philippe noticed two horsemen on the road. I don’t know how he saw them for it has been snowing for a day now with no signs of stopping. Apparently a group of King Louis militia got lost on their way to Paris. The two commanding officers got separated from their men and landed here. They told us that the roads are impassable, which is not surprising. They are welcome to stay for there is nowhere for them to go now.

We have given them each a petite boudoir on the first floor near the salle à manger; rooms for our children one day, but for now they are empty and will serve the officers well. They are down the hall from our boudoir, affording us all some privacy. Thank goodness we have stores of food to feed them, for I imagine they will be with us for at least a week.

In some ways, it is nice to have company. It is so desolate here, yet watching the snow fall is so beautiful, so peaceful and quiet. Besides Philippe and I are two servants. The rest have gone home to their families for the winter. In spring time they will return to us.

Philippe is a quite man, prone to dark moods and perhaps it is his age, but he is so serious, so content to share his time with drink and not with me. I never thought I minded, as I thought this was the way of things, of an arranged marriage made out of convenience with no love to be considered. Now I am not so sure and in a strange was it’s the presence of these two officers that has stirred me up and got me thinking that perhaps there is more to the union between a man and a woman than convenience and necessity.

The first seems to be no more than a boy, perhaps fifteen as I am or a year or two older. I can’t remember his name but he seems kind enough. His table manners are quite good and he converses easily with us. He smiles frequently which I find him amusing. But it is the other officer, a Monsieur Andreas Martin who has me so intrigued. He’s handsome but it’s more than just being handsome. There’s something dark and commanding in him that calls to me. I find myself staring at him, which is impolite for a married woman.

Dark auburn hair frames a sculpted, stern face and his voice caresses my skin. But it is his eyes, the color of the ocean in wintertime, that look right through me and make my skin flush and my knees wobble under my skirt, and a feeling, I get about him. A feeling that he comes from some distant place, a place unknowable, cruel and barren. Someplace not of this world.

Like Seeing a Ghost

I am trying to write a scene.... The main character meets up with someone he has not seen in ......many years, I'll put it that way. The best way for me to get into that mindset is to try to imagine how I would react. At first I would imagine it would be like seeing a ghost. I would not believe my eyes.

First there is our conversation. I would listen to their voice, remembering how they spoke, the types of words they used and try to access if it was really them. Everyone's laughter is unique, their own signature as well as their voice.

Then of course there are their mannerisms. Body language, the way they smile, the way their eyes light up. All the parts of a person we may not even be consciously aware of, yet are so familiar and so distinct. These are the parts of a person that makes them recognizable to us.

It's like being on the boardwalk [for all you beach people] and seeing someone approaching through the crowd. It's not just one thing, but a series of clues that mark them as familiar. It may be their height, their walk; how they might move their arms or toss their hair from side to side.

Suppose their hair is lighter or darker, longer or much shorter now? Imagine their wardrobe being so foreign to you that it's hard to believe it's really them. You remember them in knickers and a frock coat and now they are wearing a three piece suit!

All these thoughts pass through my mind before the emotional response registers. What's it like to see them after all this time? Where do you begin? How was our relationship left in the past? If it was a love affair, is it ever really in the past? Would I cry? Be angry or sad over seeing them now?

For my character, it's all of the above, plus so much more; like seeing a ghost from the past.

Taking a Peek

I am an intuitive writer. I have a general idea how things are going to go in a particular chapter but then I begin to write and something happens. The characters have a life all their own and sometimes I am forced to go back and scrap a particular section. I know my characters but even I like surprises at times. I like it when Christian is impulsive and does something without thinking it through, or Michel expresses deep feelings or even cries. Once in a blue moon Josette will get flustered and drop that regal guard of hers and become a mess of raw nerves or Amanda will fight back instead of withdrawing in her world of academia and art.

One of the themes in my novels is secrets: everyone has them and no one is who them seem to be, whether human or vampire. You can't judge a book by it's cover in this world and that is both a blessing and a curse. Even vampires need to believe in the safety and security of their relationships and their world. When either are threatened, all hell breaks loose. Christian will have his world rocked in so many ways he will not be sure of anything. It's like a paradigm shift, a totally new way of thinking or experiencing the world. He has always taken refuge in the stability of his relationship with his best friend Michel, his former lover, Josette, his autocratic father.

Being aloof and a loner does not absolve him from pain and suffering, or lies and deceit from those he loves. He has such high standards that lying just isn't in his reality. Unfortunately, it is a way of life for almost everyone around him and although it takes several hundred years, it all comes crashing down around him. Don't get me wrong, he tells himself lies when he doesn't want to take a good hard look. Why not, we all do it at times. Why should he be any different? Sometimes we take a peek and can still believe our reality has not changed. At other times, taking a peek throws open a door that floods us with too many things that make it impossible to go back through. We just won't fit.

When Christian discovers that his life has been held together by forces he can't even imagine, he must either make certain choices or die. Isn't that the way of things for each of us? We can accept or reject something or someone but in doing so we have made a choice and hopefully, we trust our gut instinct to carry us through to the other side. To a place where we know who we are and what is waiting for us.